Reflection......

“ Happy B’day Vasu . Wake up…………….. Get ready and go downstairs. Appa is waiting near the pooja room “…… That was the sweet voice of amma. Amma’s beautiful smiling face with a vermillion bindi and wet hair bundled with a towel and an unique smell which is a combination of her herbal soap , scented oil on her hair & clean smell of her saree was a treat to the senses every morning. I wanted to spend some more time buried under the comfort of my blanket. It was summer and I still feel cold ……….

After almost an hour I walked downstairs , subhadramma , our help came running towards me , she has been with us from the time I remember, she looked at me fondly and said “ happy b’day vasundaramma”. I wonder why she always ends our names with amma.

“vasundaramma, I have made adai for breakfast. Come soon. Else it will get cold. I will prepare ur favourite pal payasam. I am preparing moru kozhambu ( butter milk curry ) also. I know they r ur favourites ” My favourites ? . wasn’t all these things vasu’s favourites ?

Appa was sitting in the pooja room , as usual with closed eyes chanting some mantrams. He was amidst his quest for peace. But did he look peaceful ? I doubted.

Hearing my footsteps, he opened his eyes and tried to smile . He extended a cover towards me while saying “happy birthday vasu . This is for u.” My hands trembled when I took the brown cover from him. I knew before opening what was in it. I could hear the sound of anklets . Vasu likes anklets. I have never seen her beautiful legs without one all these years. Will she be wearing one now also, I pondered…………

Later that day I saw appa hiding an identical brown cover in his cupboard. I have seen him doing this for years now. After giving me my gift he continues to pray for many more hours , gets back to his room & hides a similar cover . I knew all that was for vaidehi ? I have always wanted to say “appa, iam ur vaidehi . U also couldn’t recognize me is it ?”

Vasu, Vasundhara my big sister, who was born 10 minutes before me…. wasn’t she the center of our world ? She was always pampered & adored . Everyone let her have everything that she wanted . She once asked my life and I let her have it …………

I liked when people observed how identical we were. but yet we were so different. For starters, She dressed up like a model and I was always in my half saree. She was the blessed one. Could sing well, dance well, speak well, make friends easily and I was good at only one thing.. smile looking at vasu’s achievements. I never felt deprived . I dwelled in the happiness that Vasu loved me, she was my protective elder sister. She trusted me enough to share all her secrets with me. Probably She knew I will never tell anybody.

One of her secrets was her love for David. The handsome singer in our college. Vasu was not the only admirer he had. Almost all the girls in the college liked him. But I was devastated when he wanted me to share his life.

It was a Friday evening and vasu and me were sitting and chatting in our college canteen. I saw david coming towards our table. I could see Vasu’s face lighting up. He had a rose in his hand. I knew what was going to happen next, or did I ? I was shattered when he extended the rose towards me and told “ been noticing u for long. I like u. can I ask my parents to ………..” I didn’t let him complete the sentence , ran from there to the comfort of my classroom.

That evening, when we were sitting together in the swing, vasu told me “ vaidu, I have decided something. I love david madly. I can’t deny his proposal. “I kept looking at her with wide eyes as she continued… “ iam going to be vaidehi from tomorrow. “. ……………… I felt that a strong bolt had hit me. she didn’t wait for any response from me. She knew I will or I cant deny anything to her. my eyes were clouded and when it started pouring she was gone…….. I kept crying the whole night.

she was the only one who knew how my heart melted for venu, but yet she asked me to throw away my dreams to live hers….

Venu, my mama’s ( maternal uncle ) son, the one who tells me that my silence sounds better than any language he has heard. I can hear my heart singing everytime he calls me “ thangam “.I didn’t have to tell him a word , just a glance was enough for him to read my heart…….he was not just a part of my life. He was the only reason for my life.

Venu loves vaidehi , not vasu……………..i kept crying till I felt there were no more tears left. My eyes have never shed tears after that. I learnt to cry silently.

A week had gone by, I never went to the college. I knew vasu was loving her life as me. every evening she came and told what happened with her and david that day. Once she told “ I am loving every minute being u, except for the horrible silence that u live with. “ well wasn’t that silence that allowed u to live my life ?.

After few more days, I saw vasu packing things. I went near her and she looked at me and I saw her eyes moist for the first time. She told “ iam sorry, I need to go. Appa will never agree for this. He is not our caste. So I have decided to go to delhi with david. His parents have agreed. “ as always I was silent and she walked away taking my life with her…………….

Appa and amma were shattered. They could never believe that their “silent cuckoo “ had done this. Throughout this , I saw venu standing in a corner without uttering anything. I searched his face to see his feelings. He had none……he never looked at me…. After few days I heard he had got a good job in bangalore. He never came home after that.

Everybody noticed “ Vasu’s “ silence afterwards. They even found a reason , “ depression because vaidehi eloped “.

Today was our birthday , our 30^th birthday. It has been almost 10 years without vasu .

I was sitting on the swing and sipping payasam when I heard a car stop in front of our gate. A middle aged man got out of it and the way he looked I knew he had come with some bad news. He came to inform us that vaidehi and david had met with an accident and were no more. Amma and appa burst into tears. I realized that I couldn’t cry even that day.

I just wanted to ask her “ vasu, iam still living ur life , u took away mine and lost it also …………………….why did u do this ?”

Months flew by.

It was a cold December evening. I was sitting on my swing, I heard a familiar foot step.. I knew without turning back , who it was. That was the step that I have always wanted to follow .I didn’t want to turn back immediately , right now I would breakdown and he would know it is not vasu……. I could feel him right behind me. His hand touched my shoulder, he softly whispered …….”thangam ,………………..” that name from his mouth………..i just threw myself on his chest and I let my tears say everything. I was surprised at the way tears poured from my eyes…..

I could feel his tears falling on my face. He was telling “ I always knew it was u………….U gave ur life to vasu and took away my life also. I want u to give me my life now. Don’t say no………………” I kept crying silently………I could hear my heart sing again…………..