Reflection......

“ Happy B’day Vasu . Wake up…………….. Get ready and go downstairs. Appa is waiting near the pooja room “…… That was the sweet voice of amma. Amma’s beautiful smiling face with a vermillion bindi and wet hair bundled with a towel and an unique smell which is a combination of her herbal soap , scented oil on her hair & clean smell of her saree was a treat to the senses every morning. I wanted to spend some more time buried under the comfort of my blanket. It was summer and I still feel cold ……….

After almost an hour I walked downstairs , subhadramma , our help came running towards me , she has been with us from the time I remember, she looked at me fondly and said “ happy b’day vasundaramma”. I wonder why she always ends our names with amma.

“vasundaramma, I have made adai for breakfast. Come soon. Else it will get cold. I will prepare ur favourite pal payasam. I am preparing moru kozhambu ( butter milk curry ) also. I know they r ur favourites ” My favourites ? . wasn’t all these things vasu’s favourites ?

Appa was sitting in the pooja room , as usual with closed eyes chanting some mantrams. He was amidst his quest for peace. But did he look peaceful ? I doubted.

Hearing my footsteps, he opened his eyes and tried to smile . He extended a cover towards me while saying “happy birthday vasu . This is for u.” My hands trembled when I took the brown cover from him. I knew before opening what was in it. I could hear the sound of anklets . Vasu likes anklets. I have never seen her beautiful legs without one all these years. Will she be wearing one now also, I pondered…………

Later that day I saw appa hiding an identical brown cover in his cupboard. I have seen him doing this for years now. After giving me my gift he continues to pray for many more hours , gets back to his room & hides a similar cover . I knew all that was for vaidehi ? I have always wanted to say “appa, iam ur vaidehi . U also couldn’t recognize me is it ?”

Vasu, Vasundhara my big sister, who was born 10 minutes before me…. wasn’t she the center of our world ? She was always pampered & adored . Everyone let her have everything that she wanted . She once asked my life and I let her have it …………

I liked when people observed how identical we were. but yet we were so different. For starters, She dressed up like a model and I was always in my half saree. She was the blessed one. Could sing well, dance well, speak well, make friends easily and I was good at only one thing.. smile looking at vasu’s achievements. I never felt deprived . I dwelled in the happiness that Vasu loved me, she was my protective elder sister. She trusted me enough to share all her secrets with me. Probably She knew I will never tell anybody.

One of her secrets was her love for David. The handsome singer in our college. Vasu was not the only admirer he had. Almost all the girls in the college liked him. But I was devastated when he wanted me to share his life.

It was a Friday evening and vasu and me were sitting and chatting in our college canteen. I saw david coming towards our table. I could see Vasu’s face lighting up. He had a rose in his hand. I knew what was going to happen next, or did I ? I was shattered when he extended the rose towards me and told “ been noticing u for long. I like u. can I ask my parents to ………..” I didn’t let him complete the sentence , ran from there to the comfort of my classroom.

That evening, when we were sitting together in the swing, vasu told me “ vaidu, I have decided something. I love david madly. I can’t deny his proposal. “I kept looking at her with wide eyes as she continued… “ iam going to be vaidehi from tomorrow. “. ……………… I felt that a strong bolt had hit me. she didn’t wait for any response from me. She knew I will or I cant deny anything to her. my eyes were clouded and when it started pouring she was gone…….. I kept crying the whole night.

she was the only one who knew how my heart melted for venu, but yet she asked me to throw away my dreams to live hers….

Venu, my mama’s ( maternal uncle ) son, the one who tells me that my silence sounds better than any language he has heard. I can hear my heart singing everytime he calls me “ thangam “.I didn’t have to tell him a word , just a glance was enough for him to read my heart…….he was not just a part of my life. He was the only reason for my life.

Venu loves vaidehi , not vasu……………..i kept crying till I felt there were no more tears left. My eyes have never shed tears after that. I learnt to cry silently.

A week had gone by, I never went to the college. I knew vasu was loving her life as me. every evening she came and told what happened with her and david that day. Once she told “ I am loving every minute being u, except for the horrible silence that u live with. “ well wasn’t that silence that allowed u to live my life ?.

After few more days, I saw vasu packing things. I went near her and she looked at me and I saw her eyes moist for the first time. She told “ iam sorry, I need to go. Appa will never agree for this. He is not our caste. So I have decided to go to delhi with david. His parents have agreed. “ as always I was silent and she walked away taking my life with her…………….

Appa and amma were shattered. They could never believe that their “silent cuckoo “ had done this. Throughout this , I saw venu standing in a corner without uttering anything. I searched his face to see his feelings. He had none……he never looked at me…. After few days I heard he had got a good job in bangalore. He never came home after that.

Everybody noticed “ Vasu’s “ silence afterwards. They even found a reason , “ depression because vaidehi eloped “.

Today was our birthday , our 30^th birthday. It has been almost 10 years without vasu .

I was sitting on the swing and sipping payasam when I heard a car stop in front of our gate. A middle aged man got out of it and the way he looked I knew he had come with some bad news. He came to inform us that vaidehi and david had met with an accident and were no more. Amma and appa burst into tears. I realized that I couldn’t cry even that day.

I just wanted to ask her “ vasu, iam still living ur life , u took away mine and lost it also …………………….why did u do this ?”

Months flew by.

It was a cold December evening. I was sitting on my swing, I heard a familiar foot step.. I knew without turning back , who it was. That was the step that I have always wanted to follow .I didn’t want to turn back immediately , right now I would breakdown and he would know it is not vasu……. I could feel him right behind me. His hand touched my shoulder, he softly whispered …….”thangam ,………………..” that name from his mouth………..i just threw myself on his chest and I let my tears say everything. I was surprised at the way tears poured from my eyes…..

I could feel his tears falling on my face. He was telling “ I always knew it was u………….U gave ur life to vasu and took away my life also. I want u to give me my life now. Don’t say no………………” I kept crying silently………I could hear my heart sing again…………..

Pitter Patter.......... tried to be a holiday spoiler ?

We were waiting for this from past 5 months. We had intentions of getting into lot of activities during this occasion. At last the much anticipated Memorial Day long weekend was here. Initially we had planned to fly out of the town, but dropped it and decided to explore the town……….

Well, as always this time also I was the one who came out with the agenda for the weekend. Two of the must visit places were “Houston zoo” & “Galveston Beach “. I planned to visit Beach on Sunday and Zoo on Monday.

The previous week we went and shopped swim wear for our little princess and the king also got himself some beachwear.

On Sunday (Beach day) we woke up to a very rainy day. God, how is that u can hate something that u normally love just because it caused inconvenience at the moment. Well rain for me that day was like an uninvited guest. We had no option but to write off our trip to the beach. I re assured myself that the beach is just an hour drive and we will drive there very soon one weekend.

The next day, Zoo day, we woke up to a sunny day. My happiness knew no bounds. I started doing all the chores with newfound energy. I wanted to finish everything at the earliest. I was frying papads for our brunch and I heard the rain god’s thunders. I could feel my mood plummet like my papads in the oil. Only difference is my papads puffed up and my mood stayed low……………

It started raining so heavily that it looked like somebody had punched holes in the sky. The sound of rain woke my little one. She looked so happy to see the rain which right now was the villain spoiling our weekend.

Somehow husband dear didn’t want to be defeated by the villain and inspite of the heavy rain, he decided that we still go forward with our trip to zoo. So off we started, dressed in our jackets, boots and umbrellas. I was not so ecstatic about getting out.

I kept wondering would there be anybody else like us who is out of his or her wits to visit the zoo on a rainy day like this. I didn’t have to wonder for long… When we reached the entrance to the park (the zoo is further inside the park) I was astounded to see the line of automobiles. I wasn’t so subdued after that.

From the spot we parked our car to the entrance of the zoo it was about 15 minutes walk. I guess that walk will be one of my little ones most treasured in her days to come. She kept leaping at every single puddle that she saw. Dear husband kept chasing behind her with the umbrella. She was so delighted that she was getting drenched………….I wished I shared her attitude at that time.

When we entered the zoo we saw that almost all the animals were engrossed in their affairs without showing any obvious reaction to the pouring rain. I learnt that day, that rain definitely is not a deterrent in animal world…

Apart from the usual wild animals that I have seen in almost every zoo that I have visited so far, I saw an animal called “okapi” for the first time. It’s a cousin to giraffe , the description said. It has such a long tongue that it can lick it’s own eyeball………I also saw an “anteater”. Anteater is almost the size of a big dog. I wondered how does he grow so big eating only insects? I kept searching for its face. It’s definitely a very weird looking animal…

Finally after seeing Lions, horses, Tigers, Giraffe etc and also a ride in the carousel for our little one we decided it was time to leave. We were coming towards the exit gate and saw the aquarium and took a detour. We spent about 15 min admiring the sea world. We didn’t step out before making sure that we wear the jackets that we had taken off inside the aquarium. Getting our daughter wear the jacket was arduous.

When we stepped out…we had the biggest surprise of the day………… It was bright and sunny outside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In 15 min , the rainy wet day had transposed into a sunny evening !
It started as a merry chuckle from our daughter and soon all the three of us were laughing very hard. I remembered reading somewhere " Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colours appear ". Anyways our weekend was well spent and memorable.

Iam Online........

She was getting ready for a big event. Every evening she gets ready for this. She wakes up in the morning and waits for the clock to strike 5:00 P.M. She even tries to nap in the afternoon so that she doesn’t realize what a long wait it is ……………Oh yes, it’s 5:00. Time to go……….she once again looks at the mirror admires herself and wears her best make up - a beautiful smile :) , runs down stairs while telling her parents – in law “ amma , accha iam going to cyber café. “ ………..That’s my lovely sister – in –law. Her better half ( my little brother ) is currently outside India & she is going to cyber cafe to “meet” him online. Married for almost eight months now both of them still like to be called “just married”.

Looks like they tied the knot and he wore wheels in his shoes almost at the same time. He has been traveling different places ever since. Well, thanks to all the latest technologies, they are still able to “see” & “hear “ each other even if they are sitting in different parts of the world. No wonder web cams and microphones are sold like hot cakes these days !!.

When I open my chat list, sometimes I see both of them “online” at the same time and I feel happy for them....... Did I hear them telling, “ we are oh so near, yet so far “?
Well, distance has brought their hearts even closer….

Can miles truly separate you from loved ones.... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?

I forgot to mention this has also made the cyber café owner near our house lot happier. After all he has a regular customer in the evenings now. …………….

A Sun(ny) day...................

8: 00 A.M. ………….. Not too late to rise on a Sunday morning . I have always loved Sunday mornings. I remember the good old days where I would get up exactly when the TV show “Rangoli” starts. Watching even those national award winning-regional language movies in the afternoon also was a treat those days. At that time the only channels were DD-1 and DD- II. So there was no confusions or fights over which channel to watch. Today when I came to the TV I didn’t really know what I wanted, but kept browsing channels up , down , paused at few and then continued hopping channels again. I decided it was enough and clicked “power off “ and opened my patio door slowly making sure that I don’t wake my daughter with the squeaky sound of the door.
When I stepped outside with my teacup in one hand and a Parle – G biscuit (somehow I haven’t found a better tasting biscuit till now) in the other, I realized it was a warm morning. The conditioned 65 ° F inside my living room was so cool compared to the 85 ° F outside. But the early morning rays were not burning my skin. I felt it as warm as a hug from a friend. My patio faces the east and I could see the biggest star shining just above my apartment complex. Suddenly I felt I saw “him” smile. (I have always beleived “sun” is a handsome man, and “moon “ is a lovely lady).
As I kept staring he started talking “ Hey, hi there good morning! Iam back. Last night when u were sleeping, I was in India. Few people greeted me with “Surya namaskarams”. I saw ur family and friends back home. They looked happy to me. As the day passed i saw people getting drenched in sweat. Was I shining too hot on them ?. Some even looked at me with so much anger that I felt like disappearing. May be that’s what they wanted. But I kept shining. Street vendors were selling jackfruits, mangoes, water melons and all fruits of summer. Roads were filled with different vehicles, two wheelers, three wheelers, four wheelers in all sizes and shapes. At some places I saw people cooling off ,even if it was just a small puddle of water. I saw ladies standing in one of the streets waiting for a corporation water lorry. I could see their joy when the big vehicle came roaring towards them and put a stop to their long hours of waiting. As I was making a move from east to west , I could see some men riding bi-cycles and selling “ mallige moggu “ ( jasmine ), “thaati nongu “ ( palm fruit ). I could see children still playing on the roads. Saw ladies having group conversations with neighbours. Men cooling off in the patios with news papers. Ofcourse they were not reading , but were using it as fans now. As it started getting darker, your dad was telling your mom to close the doors. He was worried that the much-dreaded insects “ mosquitoes” would get inside the house. By the way all the fans in your house ceiling were running full speed the whole day. Anyways iam back here and “moon” is there taking care of them. Iam looking forward to the day here. Oh yes, already I see more than zillion automobiles screeching at 80 miles/hr on freeways and …………” he kept talking. But I realized it was getting too warm outside and was missing the coolness of the living room. So without even telling him bye I just walked in. I kept thinking…….How much does an A.C cost? May be we should ask dad to buy one.